We are not here to wait for the storm to pass, but to learn to dance in the rain.
That is a quote on a journal I bought a couple months ago. I didn't have very much money, and I felt a little uncomfortable spending it on myself because I didn't want to be irresponsible. But I specifically felt that the Holy Spirit wanted me to buy it (out of all the journals on the shelf at Marshall's) and so I did. It just so happens that the journal is a light blue color, which makes me think of peace, one of my favorite gifts from God, and something I've been experiencing a lot of (in the midst of an ongoing storm in my life).
Speaking of storms, last night it was raining. Started by sprinkling when I was on the back porch with my mentor, and then turned into a heavy rainstorm. I love listening to rain. There's something about the sound, the rhythm, the idea of rain that calms me down, makes me want to be more creative and less caught up in all my thinking (which has been a big distraction from life lately).
This weekend was a frustrating weekend for me, because it involved way too much thinking, and too much talking. I keep getting frustrated with someone because they just want to talk about principles and theory, but they have no experience to stand on. I admit, I'm doing the same thing. I'm wanting to go and get experience, but I'm trying to think it out, figure it out, analyze it before it happens! And so I'm driven crazy both by them and by me! And I have to admit, it is a lot easier to blame them than it is to change. I want to change, I really do. I've been in a process of change and I have changed a lot. It's just relationships that really get me. It's nothing new, it's just a different person. I've run into the same issues with lots of people, friends, in the past. I just want the dynamic to be different between us, but the truth is, I want THEM to be different, while I want to stay the same. The truth is, that isn't fair.
The truth is, my own mouth can get me into plenty of trouble, in ANY relationship, even the ones that are really good at the moment. It says in Proverbs that a fool's lips walk into a fight, and his mouth invites a beating. Nobody likes to think of themselves as a fool, but the truth is, I am good at acting like one! Lately I have just felt like that's what I've been getting, is a fight and a beating, from other people. But it just occurred to me, I spend a lot of my words trying to convince people of things that they don't even necessarily need to be convinced of. I need to be convinced. By me trying to convince them (prove to them that I'm right, rather than demonstrating it with my actions) I am being a hypocrite! I'm a hypocrite and a fool.
But I'm not hopeless. I'm not doomed to be the same forever. Sure, it might be hard to change - I know it's a difficult road - but i'm already loved from the beginning, so why am I waiting, acting as if I'm already condemned? Now that is some exciting news!
In other news, this weekend, while frustrating, was also sprinkled with humor. On Friday night I was making soup, and of course, waited until close to the last minute, so I was packing up everything at 6, which was when I was actually supposed to be arriving somewhere. Well, I threw the soup into a big aluminum bowl with foil (which was smart, because it stayed hot for an entire hour!) but I made the mistake of setting it on the seat next to me, and realized when I arrived at my destination that it had spilled and made a sticky mess, on the seat, on a CD, even on a set of DVDs (I tried to pull them out Sunday morning, and found it was all stuck together with dried soup, gross!). Then on Sunday morning, I was carrying food again, on my way to my dad's homegroup at church, wearing my new super comfortable, super tall red shoes, when I tripped and fell splat in the grass. Thankfully, the raspberry tart I was holding managed to stay upright, though it did get a piece of grass on top. What I really felt like doing in that moment was sit and cry, feel like a clutz, and wish away the fact I still had to walk across the unsteady gravel and grass.
Instead, I picked myself up, ignored the slight soreness, removed the piece of grass, and walked - carefully, slowly, but with my head held high - all the way to homegroup. And no one ever knew about the grass, or my fall.
In fact, the first person who got to homegroup (a delightful woman named Edie) said to me and my dad, with her smile and bright eyes wide open, that she just thought I was the most gracious and gentle person. I guess it would have been funnier if she said graceful. And then when I walked up on stage to give my testimony in church (I was a bit nervous but was trying my hardest to just trust the Holy Spirit would give me the right words), as I was walking - in that sleek purple dress and those new red shoes - to the stage, the guy introducing me said I was just floating up to stage, and I looked so calm and peaceful (in my head I was thinking I felt a little shaky). The guy sitting next to me at church even told me I looked pretty that day (in my head all morning I was thinking about how I needed to shower and had forgotten to put on deodorant).
Then after church, (it was actually almost an hour after church had ended, we were outside by the steps in the sunshine) I was talking to a friend, who has the most incredible spirit, I just love talking to him, and he was giving me encouragement that I really desperately needed! Over the weekend I had felt cut down and dissected, and after talking to him, I felt like a capable, strong person again. That is the amazing thing about the people at my church. They have this incredible ability to carry on pleasant conversations and to offer encouragement, to really build each other up in the Lord. I really should count myself privileged to be part of such a warm encouraging congregation. That is one of the things I did miss when I was up in Virginia. Well, now I'm back home, and I am grateful. I discovered some refreshing in a tough weekend.
I love the little surprises in life. The little encouragements you get along the way. The unexpected conversations that provide inspiration exactly when you need it. I pray that the Lord would help me to remember this blessings, even when it gets rough, and to thank Him for these experiences.
Speaking of storms, last night it was raining. Started by sprinkling when I was on the back porch with my mentor, and then turned into a heavy rainstorm. I love listening to rain. There's something about the sound, the rhythm, the idea of rain that calms me down, makes me want to be more creative and less caught up in all my thinking (which has been a big distraction from life lately).
This weekend was a frustrating weekend for me, because it involved way too much thinking, and too much talking. I keep getting frustrated with someone because they just want to talk about principles and theory, but they have no experience to stand on. I admit, I'm doing the same thing. I'm wanting to go and get experience, but I'm trying to think it out, figure it out, analyze it before it happens! And so I'm driven crazy both by them and by me! And I have to admit, it is a lot easier to blame them than it is to change. I want to change, I really do. I've been in a process of change and I have changed a lot. It's just relationships that really get me. It's nothing new, it's just a different person. I've run into the same issues with lots of people, friends, in the past. I just want the dynamic to be different between us, but the truth is, I want THEM to be different, while I want to stay the same. The truth is, that isn't fair.
The truth is, my own mouth can get me into plenty of trouble, in ANY relationship, even the ones that are really good at the moment. It says in Proverbs that a fool's lips walk into a fight, and his mouth invites a beating. Nobody likes to think of themselves as a fool, but the truth is, I am good at acting like one! Lately I have just felt like that's what I've been getting, is a fight and a beating, from other people. But it just occurred to me, I spend a lot of my words trying to convince people of things that they don't even necessarily need to be convinced of. I need to be convinced. By me trying to convince them (prove to them that I'm right, rather than demonstrating it with my actions) I am being a hypocrite! I'm a hypocrite and a fool.
But I'm not hopeless. I'm not doomed to be the same forever. Sure, it might be hard to change - I know it's a difficult road - but i'm already loved from the beginning, so why am I waiting, acting as if I'm already condemned? Now that is some exciting news!
In other news, this weekend, while frustrating, was also sprinkled with humor. On Friday night I was making soup, and of course, waited until close to the last minute, so I was packing up everything at 6, which was when I was actually supposed to be arriving somewhere. Well, I threw the soup into a big aluminum bowl with foil (which was smart, because it stayed hot for an entire hour!) but I made the mistake of setting it on the seat next to me, and realized when I arrived at my destination that it had spilled and made a sticky mess, on the seat, on a CD, even on a set of DVDs (I tried to pull them out Sunday morning, and found it was all stuck together with dried soup, gross!). Then on Sunday morning, I was carrying food again, on my way to my dad's homegroup at church, wearing my new super comfortable, super tall red shoes, when I tripped and fell splat in the grass. Thankfully, the raspberry tart I was holding managed to stay upright, though it did get a piece of grass on top. What I really felt like doing in that moment was sit and cry, feel like a clutz, and wish away the fact I still had to walk across the unsteady gravel and grass.
Instead, I picked myself up, ignored the slight soreness, removed the piece of grass, and walked - carefully, slowly, but with my head held high - all the way to homegroup. And no one ever knew about the grass, or my fall.
In fact, the first person who got to homegroup (a delightful woman named Edie) said to me and my dad, with her smile and bright eyes wide open, that she just thought I was the most gracious and gentle person. I guess it would have been funnier if she said graceful. And then when I walked up on stage to give my testimony in church (I was a bit nervous but was trying my hardest to just trust the Holy Spirit would give me the right words), as I was walking - in that sleek purple dress and those new red shoes - to the stage, the guy introducing me said I was just floating up to stage, and I looked so calm and peaceful (in my head I was thinking I felt a little shaky). The guy sitting next to me at church even told me I looked pretty that day (in my head all morning I was thinking about how I needed to shower and had forgotten to put on deodorant).
Then after church, (it was actually almost an hour after church had ended, we were outside by the steps in the sunshine) I was talking to a friend, who has the most incredible spirit, I just love talking to him, and he was giving me encouragement that I really desperately needed! Over the weekend I had felt cut down and dissected, and after talking to him, I felt like a capable, strong person again. That is the amazing thing about the people at my church. They have this incredible ability to carry on pleasant conversations and to offer encouragement, to really build each other up in the Lord. I really should count myself privileged to be part of such a warm encouraging congregation. That is one of the things I did miss when I was up in Virginia. Well, now I'm back home, and I am grateful. I discovered some refreshing in a tough weekend.
I love the little surprises in life. The little encouragements you get along the way. The unexpected conversations that provide inspiration exactly when you need it. I pray that the Lord would help me to remember this blessings, even when it gets rough, and to thank Him for these experiences.